I’m starting this while at work….while have a minute…so I’ll bounce back n forth like a tennis ball—–kinda like what happens in my head. No, in my head it’s a teacup ride that’s spins like a cocaine filled bastard! You know, like those teacup rides at Disney? Yea…..I totally have a brain that enjoys this ride a bit too much…..spiraling and spiraling thoughts & images I can’t fkn keep up with. It’s insane…..but that’s mental fuckery for ya?
Ok, so I mentioned last night I’ve had a school issue eating away at my body parts….slowly, one fkn limb at a time. I’m actually typing this with my tongue, nothing else works (Jk).
Wednesday was a very rough day for me. I had a major panic attk that left me crippled and my depression left me feeling lifeless……but I managed to get through (with drugs of course).
It’s Thursday morning and my hubby is fretting about the house packing up the rest of his stuff for his 6 week out of state military thing. I’m sad, but I stayed strong in front of him. We said our goodbyes and I left for school…..crying, exhausted, feeling nauseous from the day before. Mental illness is a bitch!!
So I get to school and rest my head on the desk. I hear a student walk in, she said something about her having a respiratory infection…..and I told her I wasn’t feeling well either. She knows about my anxiety disorder and told her I had a bad one yesterday, plus I was nauseous and that my hubby had left for his 6 week military thing. As I said this tears again started to fill my eyes. So I laid my head back down. Than this classmate says….”you really need to fuckin mediate or something”…..I looked at her kinda bewildered she said it so rudely knowing I myself just wasn’t feeling well. So I kindly told the bitch……Classmate (not mentioning real names here) we’ve had this discussion before, but I’ll remind you anyway (thinking fuck….this bitch must be as mentally fucked up as me or just simply a rude & stupid bitch) that I’ve tried meditation, yoga, breathing techniques and they don’t work for me. I laid my head back down, most of the other students were now in the class as well. Classmate says “we need to spray these tables down”…..There were 2 of them with contagious infections. So I hear her start spraying, gets to me and says “pick your head up so I can spray”…..I looked at her with my tired eyes and said, you realize my head and hands have already been contaminated (so it’s a doomed situation for me any way you fkn idiot……said that in my head of course). She yells out…..not speaks or gently talks….but fkn yells, standing right in front of me….”Stacey you really need to fuckin meditate”…..okay bitch you have my attention now as I hissed at her with my broken eyes. I said….Classmate what part of that whole message I’ve told you not only today but in the past that you don’t understand?????? I don’t feel good and you need to stop this!” Classmate, still standing in front of me, now shits out this “We are all sick of your fkn antics”……I get foggy brained due to my thyroid disease and prolly all my mental fuckery’s. So I didn’t know what that meant….antics….I feel my heart getting faster…..fuck!!! Go away GOOO AWAYYY….me in my head telling my mental fuckery’s to back off a minute. So I pretend to know what that means and I say to her….What antics….I don’t have any antics!
Than this other student who just started a month ago says “yes you do” in a tone that made me turn around and ripped her gawd damn tongue out and shoved it down the other classmates mouth to shut her up…..ok that didn’t happen…..I just totally ignored the new girls way of trying to get more accepted into a twat bundling society of the classmates lil club of young girls that followed her everywhere. Yes this is a woman in her mid thirties who hangs out with the 18, 19 and a 20 year old. This is also the classmate that I believe on my 1st or 2nd day that I had started that college…..”Oh stay away from them girls on that side of the class. They are a bunch of snobby ass bitches and ain’t worth shit. I think I should have put that in quotes, but fk it. So from the get-go this classmate has been a very judgmental person. Anyway…..back to me and my “antics”……The whole class has heard her verbally abusing me, belittling me…….and that’s when I just wanted to run….run and find a fuckin hole to hide in. She starting saying a few more things, but at this point it’s been mentally blocked, and some of it is just a blur now. But I felt like everyone was talking or whispering shit about me behind my back. I felt nervous, scared, and holy shit we have a test today, I forgot to give my fur babies fresh water, I need to text my instructor, is my hubby doing okay……..yea that’s when my mental fuckery was having a nice ass party in my head.
I was verbally harassed and felt alone. I stuck it out through school…..and thank goodness it was an open book test. Yes I spoke to my instructor about it cuz she found me in the lab and knew I’d been crying my eyes out.
It was a horrible day……And I’m scared as fuck to go back to class on Monday. She’s afraid of spiders and I have no fear of them…..maybe I should put a fkn spider in her purse. That would be amusing and worth going to school for on Monday ?
Later that day when I was home, all that shit was just eating at me. I was miserable…..teacups once again having a fun ride. Than I decided to learn what “antics” means in the dictionary. Oh your gonna love this! I was like a crazy fkn ballet dancer yelling loudly in my house I DO HAVE ANTICS…..I AM AN ANTIC…..A proud mentally fucked up antic LOL. So I decided to text her the meaning of that word she used upon me in class……and than immediately blocked her so she couldn’t text me back ?
Oh before I show you the text I sent her…..In class she was also yelling about how I need to quit being upset every time my hubby leaves for a military order. “Our husbands leave all the time and they are gone longer and you don’t fuckin see us upset about it”…..I looked at her disgustingly and said….”This is only the 2nd time he’s had to go, so I’m not use to it or immune or heartless about him being gone”.
Ok so here’s the texts at the bottom of this long ass blog.
After sending that text I felt good, than guilty as fuck. Did I stoop to her level? No….cuz she’s a fkn bully, a piece of shit bully!!!! Hate them assholes!!!
But my mental fuckery has been playing lots of games that I frankly don’t appreciate. Toodles ??