Marriage and mental illness……….

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

Marriage can be hard enough for “normal” people, but when a spouse has mental fuckery’s hangin out with them, it’s fuck’n tough.  This is my first marriage and his second, and I have a feeling this marriage is harder than his first.  Well after the “honeymoon” phase we and every new couple go through.  My husband is a good man, and one that you can only find once in a life time.  I mean sure he can frustrate the hell outta me, and then I think to myself, that’s nothing compared to what my mental fuckery’s are doing to him.  Ever since I unlocked the depression and didn’t hide it anymore, got diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder with severe anxiety disorder, things changed.  And than there came the meds, and a lot of them.  He was worried that the drugs would some how effect my whole personality, and I assured him they wouldn’t………….well I fucked up on that statement.  The drugs have made me a bit different, I can feel it.  Sometimes better and sometimes worse.  My libido has gone down the fuck’n drain…….and who the fuck knows where that drain took my libido.  I know it’s killing my husband inside about what we are dealing with.  Most married couples argue about bills, leaving caps off the toothpaste, not putting the toilet seat down after taking a piss (somehow they always manage to get some piss on the rim of the toilet seat when they have a large enough hole to not miss, even when they are shaking their wankers), house cleaning, etc…  We have never argued about any of that.  We share duties as best as we can, but the one duty that is probably the one HUGE downfall that we have is my mental fuckery communication.  Even prior to this diagnosis I sucked at communicating, but it’s worse now.  He tries to talk to me about things, but I just raise my hand silently (and sometimes not so silent) to tell him I don’t want to talk about it.  He’s the toucher and I’m the pusher.  And what I mean by that is that he is very lovey dovey (who came up with that fuck’n line “lovey dovey” anyway?), and I’m the one that is completely the opposite.  He loves to cuddle and kiss, and I shoo him away like he’s some kind of virus that is going to attack my system.  What kind of shit is that?  But keep in mind I have pretty much always been that way.  I suppose growing up in a non-affectionate house can do it’s damage in the long run.  He’s doing everything he can to understand this mental fuckery shit, and I truly applaud him for that.  He even made a phone call about these meetings they have for spouses living with someone with Bipolar or any mental illness.  I have yet to dial that number to go to meetings myself.  Gotta love that fuck’n telephobia I have (fuck’n rattles my teacups too much, too much thinkin about that then this than 4 more things and 18 more things). 

I’m a bit worried, okay A LOT worried this shit is either going to break us or make us stronger in some kind of way.  I sometimes think he’s better off without me and all this chemical fuck’n imbalances I go through.  I’m pushing him away to the point that at some moment he’s gonna let go.  And I honestly wouldn’t blame him.  I do love him deeply, I just have a very hard time showing it. 

As for how I’m doing with my illness………well I suppose the drugs are doning their thing…… clogging my drain to the point of giving myself an enema last night.  I know, to much info…… with it………y’all know my mouth is unfiltered on here.  But shit (no pun intended), I was having horrible abdominal cramps last night and pretty much intermittenly through the night.  Had to call out of work this morning due to that, and well, how depressed I was and am.  At least I brought  a flashlight with me for all the darkness that depression can bring me.

On a brighter note (due to my flashlight of course……..keep up with me people), my husband (James)……..(why haven’t I just used his fuck’n name to begin with?)…………..anyway, me and James got a membership at a fitness center and even have a trainer that will work with us once a week and then give us some fucked up exercise shit to try and kill us.  Well I’m obviously still alive, and doing this together helps the both of us stay motivated.

I got a new tattoo last week (1/29/15) and fuck’n love it.  It’s a reminder that through all this bullshit and fucked up brain chemistry that does horrible things to me, my story isn’t over yet.  As debilitating as this Bipolar shit can be, I will keep up the battle as best that I can.

To all you fucked up people with mental fuckery’s like me……….WE ARE NOT ALONE!!

Toodles ((peace sign))


Christmas 1998…….

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

It’s amazing how you look back on things and try so fuck’n hard to recall shit, whether bad or good………obviously you want to recall the good shit though.  My father passed away 6 years ago this month.  Within the first year that he had crossed over to the unknown side, some people call it “heaven” some call it a spiritual entity………anyway, a family member had told me that she found a video of us with dad at Christmas.  I told her PLEASE send me a copy as soon as you can.  Just to see him in the physical form he was in and to hear his voice.  Something that seemed so simple, but ended up being a ridiculous expenditure of time before I finally got a copy, 6 years after his death.  There are a lot of things I will cover, over time, about that time of his death and all the bullshit things that went down.  Yep, I may piss certain family members off (which I will keep their names private, unless I have permission to use those names.  A couple weeks back, I was in an extreme hypo polar mode……..meaning my depression and anxiety were at their worst.  I got snippy on fuck’n FB.  I am and was my fathers ONLY biological child, but never thought of it like that with my sisters who were raised by him from a very young age.  But I stooped to a hurtful level and made it clear on FB that he was MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER and never mentioned how strong he was to raise 2 other girls.  Two other girls that are my half sisters.  He is just as much a father to them as he is and was to me.  A number of fuck’n things brought that ugliness out of me (I will get into that in another blog). 

I finally, just after 6 years of the passing of my dad, got to see him, hear his voice, hear his laughter…….and the emotions that filled me consumed my whole heart.  Well your heart is just a fuck’n organ that pumps through muscular contractions to keep us alive.  So the emotions are things that are brought on by memories in our brains.  Kind of like a fuck’n whacked out filing system you have to occasionally dig through to get to a memory.  These days I have a hard time getting myself there. 

Depression lies, and I hope my sister can some day forgive me for what I put on FB.  I did delete it the next day, but still…………it was out there. 

I’ve been handling the psych meds a lot better.  Not saying my teacups have disappeared, but I think I’m slowly handling them in a better way.  I’m still full of anxiety, no damn cure for that shit.  I don’t care how much Klonopin or Xanax your on, that shit just decides to hit you out of the blue like a bumper car.  You know……….those fuck’n stupid ass bumper cars they have at the fair.  I can think of better and more fun ways to get my frustrations out to ease my anxiety (besides the meds)……….like getting into one of those ridiculous Sumo wrestling costumes and just start bangin off the other person and trying to somehow knock that bitch down and pin their ass down on the matt.  Now that would be fuck’n funny and just plain stupid, but hey, you only live this twisted life once.

I got a membership at LA Fitness and have a trainer I will be working with every Monday, then Wednesday and Friday I have to follow their work out instructions through some book they gave me.  It’s been going great so far, considering I just started a week ago.  I love the  fact they have a heated pool.  I’m a fuck’n dolphin in my past life (if there is such a thing).  I absolutely love being in the water, swimming, snorkeling, free diving……….it’s amazing!!!

Me and James have started to eat more healthy.  We are knocking out beef from our diet and substituting it with turkey…….turkey sausage, ground turkey, turkey bacon, etc.. Trust me, I’m still gonna have a fuck’n piece of cow done medium rare, but just cutting down on all the other shit that has been filling our bodies with unknown toxins.  You know before I started Laser Hair Removal, I bet them fuck’n toxins were putting hair in places that it shouldn’t fuck’n be in on a girl………..I mean WTF!!!!  I won’t continue that asshat of a story, but I do recommend getting Laser Hair Removal………..its totally awesome!!!!!!  Yea it’s like getting zapped by mini fuck’n lightning bolts…….but suck it up wimps, you’ll love the fuck’n results.

Well that’s it for now.

Oh wait……….I’m getting a new tattoo!!!! I’ll  post it once it’s done……….no fuck’n telling when that will be, but you’ll love it!!

Depression fuck’n lies and hurts others……….I’m bipolar and I am not alone…………WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Toodles ((peace sign))

Mirror, Mirror on the wall………

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

So I have rosacea (google the shit if don’t what it is) which is such a fuck’n self-esteem killer.  As if I don’t have enough shit going on with my Bipolar Disorder.  I’m using a few different products to see what works best for my skin where it doesn’t cause flare ups.  Just bought Dermalogica (Ultra Sensitive)line, and I’ve been using Ormedic by Image skincare line, which is partially organic.  Rosacea fuck’n sucks!!

A few days ago marked 6 years since my dad has passed……..another fuck’n thing to sink me.  Miss him so much……….and he was taken from me and my family too soon.  This time of the year is shitty and I can’t wait for he New Year……….Come on 2016, bring it on!!!

If your a new reader to my blogs, I suggest you start from page one.  You’ll learn more about me and some of my struggles.  You’ll also be very entertained at times as well.

Toodles ((peace sign))

I got swallowed by a fuck’n panda bear!!!!

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

So a couple weeks ago I told James that my class was having a potluck and wear your pj’s to college day.  Boy did I fuck up on that one.  So last week something bulky comes  in the mail, well actually left at the front door.  It had his name on it, so I didn’t open it.  Anyway, I decided to go and buy one of those really soft and cozy pj and robe sets.  So I was at Target and fell in love with a set there: this was all before the bulky package came to our front door.  So James gets home from work and tells me to open the package………….I’m like oooohhhh shit, what has he got me this time.  So I open the package and its a fuck’n onesie pj outfit…………ok, some onesie pj sets are cute, but this thing was a fuck’n PANDA BEAR onesie!!!!  So I let the panda bear swallow me up and I buttoned it, looked in the mirror and thought to myself (quietly believe it or not), is this going to help my self esteem issues.  But I started to look on the bright side………I mean who the hell else is going to show up at college looking like a damn panda bear swallowed them.  I did have some comfy pj’s on underneath this friendly panda, knowing I would only last in it for a few hours……..or less.  The students thought is was cute, but I still simply felt like I belonged in a zoo or at my shrinks office.  And going to the bathroom with a fuck’n panda onesie on was a job in itself………I mean why didn’t they make one of those poop shoots on the rear end? You know like they do for toddler onesie’s?

All in all I felt happy to appease my hubby and let a damn panda swallow me up.

Toodles ((peace sign))