My Mental Fuckery Blog:
I have been the type of person who has held grudges, or just simply can not let go of things in the past. Things I’m too ashamed of to even allow my public readers to know about. Some skeletons are meant to stay in the closet. Why do we choose where the fuck our skeletons are anyway? Who ever came up with “skeletons in the closet” must have been a very secluded person that I imagine had a lot of closets in his home, and perhaps spent too much fuck’n time in them. Hmmm………I think I prefer “my skeletons in the attic”; its a bit more creepier that way. Well anyway, what I can not let go, weighs me down, gets my teacups spinning, and consumes me with depression.
I’m coming down from a manic mode of my Bipolar. I want to cry, but some how I’m not even motivated enough to do that. My anxiety was crazy last week………..like off the fuck’n charts crazy. James and I have been considering finding another home to rent. I found this really cute place out in the country, nice yard, and right on a lake. It’s an older house, I think built back in the 70’s. We did a drive by, people are still living and renting there until February, and it is definitely out in the boonies (“boonies”……..I’ll have to check if that’s really a word in the dictionary, or a made up word that actually means “you are out in a place where no one will find your damn house, you have to travel 20 miles to get groceries and you better stock the fuck up on them” type of thing. Okay, back to my story…………so the place has no garage, and that’s a HUGE downfall for James. He has so many tools and those big thingy’s that he unorganizably puts his shit in. Yes I’m quite aware that “unorganizably is not a word, but it is now. He reminds me so much of my father. He loves to tinker with mechanical shit. After my dad passed I inherited his antique truck, and James has just had a field day with that thing. And what he’s done to it, I know my dad is probably spiritually with him thinking, “What the fuck are you doing that for, there was a perfectly good reason I had those wires like that”, but I also imagine he has been extremely proud that James has put so much heart and passion into that truck.
Fuck, I keep getting a bit off topic. The place I really like has a very small shed in the back; which I completely doubt he could fit all his mechanic toys and thingy’s. He tells me we can get one of those carports and it would be fine. Then he says……..”The biggest downfall of living here is that I would be further away from Sarra (his daughter) when it comes time to have her for the weekends”. That was something I wasn’t even thinking about. So I felt more depressed for him and for the fact that I knew it just really wouldn’t work out living there. In a way, I suppose I was just being selfish about it. We still, for whatever reason, want to make an appointment to see the inside of this very quaint house out in the middle of the fuck’n boonies. I dunno………just adds another teacup in my mental fuckery mind.
I’m learning that not being able to let go, but being strong enough to tell others too, depresses me more than usual when I think about certain things. So many regrets, which I know we all have, but regrets that have hurt people and done some serious damage on relationships. You know as I’m typing this, my shit for brain teacups are spinning rapidly. In a couple of my past blogs, I would mention that “depression lies”, but now my question is, does it make us lie? I think it does, at least for me at times. If there is anything to blame for that, its that fear I live behind…………you know, like the telephobia shit.
I’m lacking a lot of motivation today, and somehow have to manage to get out of my pajama’s and get out of the house to get some things done. I’m very depressed and so sad that I have told a few lies in the recent past, I dunno, 2-3 weeks now. Not bad or huge lies, but still, a lie is a lie. These to I will have a hard time letting go of. Guess I will just put those skeletons in my attic for now. Shit………why must they be skeletons? How about one, or many, of those Raptors………you know those dinosaurs in the movie “JURASIC PARK”? They are mean as shit, so why would anyone want to go up into their attic to let something go? Yep………..we are not dealing with fuck’n skeletons here people……….we have carnivorous living Raptor’s, with teeth the size of your damn arm. I guess some things are just meant to stay right where you put them in the first place. Learn to forget about them if you can, and just move on.
Toodles ((peace sign))
Or maybe against those fuck’n Raptors!!!! :-p