Christmas 1998…….

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

It’s amazing how you look back on things and try so fuck’n hard to recall shit, whether bad or good………obviously you want to recall the good shit though.  My father passed away 6 years ago this month.  Within the first year that he had crossed over to the unknown side, some people call it “heaven” some call it a spiritual entity………anyway, a family member had told me that she found a video of us with dad at Christmas.  I told her PLEASE send me a copy as soon as you can.  Just to see him in the physical form he was in and to hear his voice.  Something that seemed so simple, but ended up being a ridiculous expenditure of time before I finally got a copy, 6 years after his death.  There are a lot of things I will cover, over time, about that time of his death and all the bullshit things that went down.  Yep, I may piss certain family members off (which I will keep their names private, unless I have permission to use those names.  A couple weeks back, I was in an extreme hypo polar mode……..meaning my depression and anxiety were at their worst.  I got snippy on fuck’n FB.  I am and was my fathers ONLY biological child, but never thought of it like that with my sisters who were raised by him from a very young age.  But I stooped to a hurtful level and made it clear on FB that he was MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER and never mentioned how strong he was to raise 2 other girls.  Two other girls that are my half sisters.  He is just as much a father to them as he is and was to me.  A number of fuck’n things brought that ugliness out of me (I will get into that in another blog). 

I finally, just after 6 years of the passing of my dad, got to see him, hear his voice, hear his laughter…….and the emotions that filled me consumed my whole heart.  Well your heart is just a fuck’n organ that pumps through muscular contractions to keep us alive.  So the emotions are things that are brought on by memories in our brains.  Kind of like a fuck’n whacked out filing system you have to occasionally dig through to get to a memory.  These days I have a hard time getting myself there. 

Depression lies, and I hope my sister can some day forgive me for what I put on FB.  I did delete it the next day, but still…………it was out there. 

I’ve been handling the psych meds a lot better.  Not saying my teacups have disappeared, but I think I’m slowly handling them in a better way.  I’m still full of anxiety, no damn cure for that shit.  I don’t care how much Klonopin or Xanax your on, that shit just decides to hit you out of the blue like a bumper car.  You know……….those fuck’n stupid ass bumper cars they have at the fair.  I can think of better and more fun ways to get my frustrations out to ease my anxiety (besides the meds)……….like getting into one of those ridiculous Sumo wrestling costumes and just start bangin off the other person and trying to somehow knock that bitch down and pin their ass down on the matt.  Now that would be fuck’n funny and just plain stupid, but hey, you only live this twisted life once.

I got a membership at LA Fitness and have a trainer I will be working with every Monday, then Wednesday and Friday I have to follow their work out instructions through some book they gave me.  It’s been going great so far, considering I just started a week ago.  I love the  fact they have a heated pool.  I’m a fuck’n dolphin in my past life (if there is such a thing).  I absolutely love being in the water, swimming, snorkeling, free diving……….it’s amazing!!!

Me and James have started to eat more healthy.  We are knocking out beef from our diet and substituting it with turkey…….turkey sausage, ground turkey, turkey bacon, etc.. Trust me, I’m still gonna have a fuck’n piece of cow done medium rare, but just cutting down on all the other shit that has been filling our bodies with unknown toxins.  You know before I started Laser Hair Removal, I bet them fuck’n toxins were putting hair in places that it shouldn’t fuck’n be in on a girl………..I mean WTF!!!!  I won’t continue that asshat of a story, but I do recommend getting Laser Hair Removal………..its totally awesome!!!!!!  Yea it’s like getting zapped by mini fuck’n lightning bolts…….but suck it up wimps, you’ll love the fuck’n results.

Well that’s it for now.

Oh wait……….I’m getting a new tattoo!!!! I’ll  post it once it’s done……….no fuck’n telling when that will be, but you’ll love it!!

Depression fuck’n lies and hurts others……….I’m bipolar and I am not alone…………WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Toodles ((peace sign))

Mirror, Mirror on the wall………

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

So I have rosacea (google the shit if don’t what it is) which is such a fuck’n self-esteem killer.  As if I don’t have enough shit going on with my Bipolar Disorder.  I’m using a few different products to see what works best for my skin where it doesn’t cause flare ups.  Just bought Dermalogica (Ultra Sensitive)line, and I’ve been using Ormedic by Image skincare line, which is partially organic.  Rosacea fuck’n sucks!!

A few days ago marked 6 years since my dad has passed……..another fuck’n thing to sink me.  Miss him so much……….and he was taken from me and my family too soon.  This time of the year is shitty and I can’t wait for he New Year……….Come on 2016, bring it on!!!

If your a new reader to my blogs, I suggest you start from page one.  You’ll learn more about me and some of my struggles.  You’ll also be very entertained at times as well.

Toodles ((peace sign))

I got swallowed by a fuck’n panda bear!!!!

My Mental Fuckery Blog:

So a couple weeks ago I told James that my class was having a potluck and wear your pj’s to college day.  Boy did I fuck up on that one.  So last week something bulky comes  in the mail, well actually left at the front door.  It had his name on it, so I didn’t open it.  Anyway, I decided to go and buy one of those really soft and cozy pj and robe sets.  So I was at Target and fell in love with a set there: this was all before the bulky package came to our front door.  So James gets home from work and tells me to open the package………….I’m like oooohhhh shit, what has he got me this time.  So I open the package and its a fuck’n onesie pj outfit…………ok, some onesie pj sets are cute, but this thing was a fuck’n PANDA BEAR onesie!!!!  So I let the panda bear swallow me up and I buttoned it, looked in the mirror and thought to myself (quietly believe it or not), is this going to help my self esteem issues.  But I started to look on the bright side………I mean who the hell else is going to show up at college looking like a damn panda bear swallowed them.  I did have some comfy pj’s on underneath this friendly panda, knowing I would only last in it for a few hours……..or less.  The students thought is was cute, but I still simply felt like I belonged in a zoo or at my shrinks office.  And going to the bathroom with a fuck’n panda onesie on was a job in itself………I mean why didn’t they make one of those poop shoots on the rear end? You know like they do for toddler onesie’s?

All in all I felt happy to appease my hubby and let a damn panda swallow me up.

Toodles ((peace sign))

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“If you build it, they will come”……..Ummmmm when?

Finally after so many weeks, maybe a couple of months on how to get my own blog going, I haven’t a clue yet how to get this shit out to the public.  It’s as if I’m typing this right now into some kind of empty fuck’n cyberspace.  Still so much more learning to be done with this.

Christmas is just around the corner………BA-FKN-HUM-BUGGGG!!  Not a good month for me.  It will be 6 years since my father passed………..there is no med that’s gonna stop the overabundance of the depression I will be feeling.  The non-med shrink (psychologist) says to celebrate it for him, she said quite a few things actually…….just can’t recall all the conversation.  I’m gonna try and figure something out, I have to, right?

My husband, James, is a big fan of Christmas so I do the best I can not to spoil it completely for him while I’m sulking in all the precious memories of my childhood Christmas’s.  It’s a tough month, but we all have some kind of month that we totally funk’n hate.  Well I’d like to think that anyway.

Toodles ((peace sign))